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Welcome to the Bad Cinema Diary™ Newest Entries Here are the latest movie reviews; newest entries at the top. For the time being, the DIary will be updated irregularly 2 to 3 times each month; if you're really interested in why, numb yourself with the Boring Wordy page.

Updated for July 29 -- the smell of dead fish, and a superhero doesn't actually do much.


SHARP TEETH
	(2006) writ, prod & dir: Christine Whitlock; w/ Ilene Elkaim, Andrew Huisman, Melanie Staley, Trevor Crane. No skin; no gore; no excuse. Toxic waste breeds a killer fish in the lake. But really, this collection of amateurish footage probably doesn't qualify as a movie, and is only theoretically about killer carp. It seems intended as a sexy farce in the style of Benny Hill, complete with goofy sound effects and plenty of jiggling cleavage & leering eyeballs. If it were a five-minute skit on some stupid comedy show, it might have been passably diverting, but stretching this hammy nonsense to feature length amounts to criminal assault. The jokes are stale, the women are past their prime, and the entertainment value is nil.


SUPERMAN (1948) - see the Movie Poster
	(1948 - serial in 15 chapters) dir: Spencer Bennet & Thomas Carr; w/ Kirk Alyn, Noel Neill, Tommy Bond, Carol Forman. Superman begins his adventures... he learns the perils of Kryptonite and perfects the art of being smug. Meanwhile, the Spider Lady has her heart set on stealing the government's new superweapon. Although this first Superman serial is well made and is favored by a better cast than the average serial, it is hampered by a weak budget and an alarmingly dull script. The 'action' amounts to a little stock footage and a few fist fights, while the flying stunts are provided by simplistic cartoon animation. There is some charm here, and it was a success at the theaters, but I found it rather dreary and surprisingly lacking in imagination.


GRIZZLY - see the Movie Poster
	(1976 - aka Claws; Killer Grizzly) dir: William Girdler; w/ Christopher George, Andrew Prine, Richard Jaeckel. No skin; a tidbit o' gore. A giant, prehistoric, girl-munching grizzly terrorizes a state park; meanwhile, our stern-jawed hero spends an inordinate amount of time looking anguished. It wouldn't be fair to say that this was inspired by Jaws; rather, this is a dime-budget potboiler with barely enough effort put into it to cash in on Jaws. We get a few quick peeks at some cheap gore caused by a disembodied stuffed bear paw, a lot of dialog that really appears to have been randomly generated, and then a great deal of dull hunting -- finally, the rocket launcher. Some small entertainment is provided by the cheesiness of the thing, but there is really no payoff here unless you enjoy heckling the wretched dialog.


BLACK SWARM
	(2007 - Canada, for TV) dir: David Winning; w/ Sebastien Roberts, Sarah Allen, Jayne Heitmeyer, Robert Englund. No skin; no gore. A charming mad scientist creates mutant wasps that live in your brain; only the typical estranged couple with Cute Kid(TM) can save the small town. Okay, it's nothing special, but it is well enough made to be sufficient fun for Critter Flick enthusiasts. However, the script is just a carbon copy of similar movies, and it successfully avoids both originality and logic. Good work from the cast, especially Englund, is the only thing that makes this worth watching at all.


PRINCESS OF MARS
	(2009) ed, writ & dir: Mark Atkins; w/ Antonio Sabato Jr., Traci Lords, Matt Lasky, Chacko Vadaketh. No skin; no gore. Subjected to a teleportation experiment, one Army sniper finds himself on a far distant planet which just coincidentally is called Mars and is filled with leftover costumes and thinly disguised military props. Of course, fans of the original would not need the hint of Lords in the role of Dejah Thoris to guess that this is so NOT the film they had been waiting for. While there are more parallels to the book than I would have bet on, the adaptation is loose, at best. But if we set aside the butchering of Burroughs, we wind up with what seems to be intended as a kids' flick. Although the budget is painfully thin (the special fx are limited to rubber masks and a few spare CG critters that look as if they were borrowed from some other project), they do make an honest effort at being entertaining. If I were being generous, I would put this in the same category as the cranked-out drivel of the Hercules or Samson flicks of yesteryear -- mildly amusing and instantly forgettable.


CHOCOLATE
	(2008 - Thailand) dir: Prachya Pinkaew; w/ JeeJa Yanin (aka Yanin Vismitananda), Ammara Siripong, Hiroshi Abe. No skin; no gore; no bones left unbroken. She's a withdrawn autistic young lady whose only talent is martial arts -- so when mommy gets in trouble with her old gangster pals, this quiet young lady rips the Thai underworld a new one... several new ones, actually. The concept is quite silly on the face of it, but of course this isn't about realistic drama. Still, it carries it off quite well with a solid script and characters of surprising substance. And then there's the heaping helpings of some of the most ferocious ass-kicking you could ask for. Just on the skull-busting level, this one makes the typical martial arts movie look like oatmeal.


LIVING DOLL
	(1990) dir: Peter Litten & George Dugdale; w/ Mark Jax, Gary Martin, Katie Orgill, (Eartha Kitt bit). Some skin; a little gore. Ah yes, the unhinged med student who clings to the decaying corpse of his dead dream-girl -- well, even in such a small sub-genre, there are bound to be a few misses. Despite decent production values and quite a good cast, this one falls flat due to an overdose of padding and a paucity of plot -- very little actually happens and much of what does is exactly what you expected. The flick does have its moments, to be sure, but they sink beneath the dullness of the rest of the movie.


SHIRA: THE VAMPIRE SAMURAI
	(2005) dir: Simon (aka Jeff Centauri); w/ Chona Jason, James Lew, Adrian Zmed. Teensy bit o' skin; no gore. This is sort of like Blade, but with more tits and less talent. It's also the sort of diplomatic incident we get when American nerds try to make a kick-ass movie just like those cool Japanese flicks. Ooh, ick. They pretend the fight scenes are cool with the use of very quick cuts and a lot of posing, while the rest is padded out by what appears to be several attempts at a script and a half-attempt at editing. This is the kind of movie that is so bad it's... not even funny. Sadly, the only value here is as an example of how not to do it.


2012: DOOMSDAY
	(2008) writ & dir: Nick Everhart; w/ Cliff de Young, Dale Midkiff, Ami Dolenz, Danae Nason. No skin; no gore (duh). It turns out that the Mayans knew all about the end of the world because they were Christians -- and the second coming is now at Chichen Itza. Um, yeah... anyhow... just in time to ride the coattails of an actual movie, this is what you get when you update the religious scare films of yesteryear. I realized they wouldn't have enough budget for any credible doomsday stuff, but they certainly should have done better than to give us the same tired old platitudes and a vague segue into the tribulation. It's a film of vapid dialog and transparent attempts at tension -- the only thing 'profound' about this flick is the degree of its failure.


the DEVIL'S TOMB
	(2009) dir: Jason Connery; w/ Cuba Gooding, Jr., Taryn Manning, Valerie Cruz, (Ron Perlman cameo). A tidbit o' skin; a little gore. A team of mercenaries dive into an archaeological dig (which looks remarkably like the basement of an old factory) and find themselves in a duel with the devil, some demon-possessed zombies, and a whole lot of pus. The cast really tries to give this thing some respectability, but the imagination just isn't here. Their attempt to turn it into an apocalyptic struggle with the forces of Hell falls afoul of weak storytelling and a rather simplistic notion of evil. So really, what we get is the usual commandos versus zombies, but with some bible verses stuffed in the cracks. Pretty much a waste of time, no matter what you were looking for.


ASYLUM OF SATAN - see the Movie Poster
	(1975) writ & dir: William B. Girdler; w/ Charles Kissinger, Carla Borelli, Nick Jolley. No skin; no gore. A young lady finds herself mysteriously committed to an asylum where the patients are simply sacrificed to the devil rather than worry about all that treatment nonsense. Quite low on budget, talent, and effort, this is still nowhere near as entertaining as it should be. It is a simple rip-off that seems designed to pad out marathon bills at the drive-in. No nudity or gore, and not even much of a story; all we get is some random spooky bits with no real payoff of any kind. The Halloween-mask demon at the end is vaguely amusing, if you're still awake.


SATAN'S CHILDREN
	(1975) prod & dir: Joe Wiezycki; w/ Stephen White, Joyce Molloy, Kathleen Archer. No skin, lotsa undies; no gore. A tale of disaffected youth, in which the dismal production values, spotty talent, and gobs of padding would indicate it has no reason for being... until its real subject matter is revealed -- which amount to rather a lot of spoilers ahead . . . So, what we really get is the tale of an abused young man who runs away, gets butt-raped, winds up with some satanist hippies, passes through more torturous trials (including spending the bulk of his screen time in nothing but his tight little briefs, not to mention the grossly contrived 'writhing in the mud' scene) -- but through hard work, some beheading and a little human sacrifice, he triumphs to become a happy servant of Satan. woo. It's a counter-culture piece that praises the power of the devil and spends a lot of time putting down homosexuality while spending even more time indulging in homoerotic imagery -- a messed-up flick for sure, but it can't be called unoriginal.


WINTERBEAST
	(1991) writ & dir: Christopher Thies; w/ Tim R. Morgan, Mike Magri, Charles Majka, Bob Harlow. Tidbit o' skin; tidbit o' gore. There is some vague impression here of an evil totem pole killing off the tourists -- I think we can safely ignore the zombie, the giant murder-chicken, and any pretense at being an actual movie. Apparently built (loosely) around some amateur stop-motion animations that don't have a lot in common with each other, there is very little competence to be seen here and even less continuity. This is the sort of thing one would expect to be puked up by a demon-possessed splicing machine after feeding it five unrelated home movies. While the complete lack of filmmaking skills makes it somewhat amusing to trash cinema junkies (in the "staring at a gruesome train wreck" way), anyone hoping for actual entertainment will be severely punished.


D-WAR (DRAGON WARS)
	(2007 - South Korea) writ & dir Hyung Rae Shim; w/ Jason Behr, Sarah Daniels, Robert Forster. No skin; no gore. A really bad giant snake wants to eat up the Chosen Girl with the glowy tattoo so he can become a really bad dragon -- various ineffectual idiots attempt to oppose this ambition. This one could be the poster child for failed demographic marketing -- despite the Anglo cast, the flick seems aimed squarely at the Asian audience. If you're looking for special effects, creature animation, and terrific scenes chock full of kaboom, this is simply outstanding. However, if you're looking for a story, this is just blithering idiocy that could only be passable for those minds that still find the Teletubbies to be fine literature. While it is fun to watch, those who jam their fingers in their ears whenever someone is talking will likely have the better experience.


URSUS IN THE LAND OF FIRE
	(1963 - Italy) dir: Giorgio Simonelli; w/ Ed Fury, Claudia Mori, Luciana Gilli, Adriano Micantoni. The evil usurper and his wicked woman, the noble Ursus and his forlorn (and fantastically useless) princess -- toss in a volcano and that's all you really need. It's the same damn plot, of course, but with some nice sets and costumes. There are a few decent action bits near the end, but most of the time is spent staring glassy-eyed (cast and audience alike) at some of the most over-used dialog in cinema. This flick is so perfectly typical, it might serve as the dictionary entry for peplum.


ISOLATION
	(2005 - UK/Ireland) writ & dir: Billy O'Brien; w/ John Lynch, Essie Davis, Sean Harris. No skin; a bit o' gore. Genetic experiments at a lonely Irish farm breed a mutant killer critter and a dangerous infection. While this thing is quite well made and has an excellent cast, it's not quite enough to disguise the same old cheese. It's the same old tale that relies on characters who insist on making decisions guaranteed to minimize their survival, it's got the same old mad scientists, it winds up in the same old place, and really, people, what we're talking about here is a bovine "Davis Baby" (see It's Alive 1974). If this had actually had a lower budget (and faster pacing), it probably would have been a lot more fun. Still, it's not bad, but it's mostly the cast that provides any real substance.


KRAKEN: Tentacles of the Deep
	(2006 - for TV) dir: Tibor Takacs; w/ Charlie O'Connell, Victoria Pratt, Jack Scalia. No skin; mild gore. Standard ingredients: the childhood trauma, the pretty archaeologist and her grad students, the evil mafia-guy, the ancient legend -- plus one big super-squid who wants to eat everybody. This rises above the usual TV drivel to achieve true mediocrity. The murky sea water fails to disguise the cheap CG effects, and even Critter Flick novices should stay five minutes ahead of this plot. While it doesn't stink, neither does it provide any excuse to actually pay attention to it.


WAR OF THE GARGANTUAS
	(Japan - 1966 - aka Frankenstein Monsters: Sanda vs Gailah) dir: Ishiro Honda; w/ Kenji Sahara, Russ Tamblyn, Kumi Mizuno. A really big mean hairy guy likes to eat people (and expertly spit their bloodless clothes out after chewing them up)... good thing there's also a big nice hairy guy to battle him while the humans put on the usual toy-tank & laser show. This one doesn't bring anything new for the Kaiju fan, but it's quite generous with the destruction, while the boring bits are alleviated by inane dialog. The native version tries to make out that it is a sequel to Frankenstein Conquers the World (not by a long shot), while the English version was re-edited and slightly re-shot to give Tamblyn a bigger part. Russ, however, seems rather embarrassed by his role -- at least he fared better than Kipp Hamilton as the nightclub singer... ye gods, that was actually painful. But aside from the singing, it's good old Tokyo-smashing fun.


TINTORERA - see the Movie Poster
	(1977 - UK/Mexico - aka Killer Shark; SIlent Death) writ & dir: Rene Cardona Jr.; w/ Susan George, Hugo Stiglitz, Andres Garcia. Some skin; mild gore plus a whole lot of dead sharks. That shark done killed his buddy... so he's going after it... eventually. "Slow start" can't begin to describe a two hour movie that spends an hour & forty-five minutes doing a whole damn lot of nothing. It is rather well put together with nice photography and a decent cast, but this may be the dullest killer shark movie ever made. For our troubles, the scenery is liberally dosed with nudity (courtesy of puerile playboy fantasies) and blood (courtesy of footage from genuine shark hunting). So basically, there's nothing here but dead animals and tits. Kind of a loser combination even for a drive-in flick.


BASKET CASE 3: The Progeny
	(1992) writ & dir: Frank Henenlotter; w/ Kevin Van Hentenryck, Gil Roper, Tina Louise Hilbert, Annie Ross. Teensy bit o' skin; cartoony gore. When murderous mutants have babies... the local police are much the worse for wear. If there was any restraint in the previous movies, it's entirely tossed aside for this one. The flick is so aware of its own exaggerated silliness that it's almost Vaudevillian, where it doesn't matter that the audience can see through the backdrops, everyone goes along with it for the giggles. However, this means that it may be a fun outing for real fans of the characters, but it is way too transparent for the general audience (even those looking for a whacked-out horror/comedy).


the BODYGUARD 2
	(2007 - Thailand) dir: Petchtai Wongkamlao; w/ Petchtai Wongkamlao, Jacqueline Apitananon, Janet Khiew, (Tony Jaa cameo). No skin (aside from a little guy-butt); no gore. Infiltrating a record company means our hero must split his time between foiling arms smugglers and becoming the newest singing sensation. Once again mixing low humor and bloody violence (both of which manage to slaughter an alarming number of innocent bystanders), this is a sequel in spirit only. The action scenes are elaborate, destructive and quite entertaining, but the comedy fails on almost every level. Nothing special, but with enough slack, it's still a fun view.


CLOISTERED NUN: RUNA'S CONFESSION
	(1976 - Japan) dir: Masaru Konuma; w/ Runa Takamura, Yoko Azura. Gobs o' skin; no gore. Fleeing a bad love affair, she arrives at the convent only to learn about rape and abuse. But now that she's back home, it appears she also learned a good deal about revenge. This is a softcore porn with nearly non-stop sex -- and somehow they shoehorn in a fun little plot -- amazing. The photography is good (although straining to be artsy at times), but the sex scenes are not particularly erotic; they rely mainly on rape and voyeurism for their appeal. Still, it's a fun flick with minimal boring bits.


STANLEY
	(1972) writ, prod & dir: William Grefé; w/ Chris Robinson, Alex Rocco, Steve Alaimo. No skin; no gore. It was a bad idea to pick on this young redskin; not only is he a shell-shocked Vietnam vet, but he really loves the snakes, and they love him right back. Obviously made to cash in on the Willard vibe, this scaly version is a slow and uneven tale, but it has its moments. Those moments don't include originality or skill, but they make up for it with enthusiasm and a whole lot of snakes. Although it is reasonably fun to watch (mostly thanks to the hammy villains), true herpetophiles may want to skip it, as the filmmakers were none too concerned about the lives of their fanged stars.


ALIEN vs HUNTER
	(2007) dir: Scott Harper; w/ William Katt, Dedee Pfeiffer, Wittley Jourdan, Randy Mulkey. No skin; some almost-gore. Ninety minutes of actors looking scared and doing the tense-bickering thing. The cast tries gamely to show their stuff in spite of the material, but mostly they just embarrass themselves in what was never actually intended to be a real movie. It's a blatant rip-off of AvP of course, but the production values are not merely amateurish, they are half-hearted and careless. Some of the props look like stuff they stole from the neighbor's truck, and our "climactic showdown" is provided by a batch of failed footage and some frantic editing. Worse, it's not 'bad' in a good way, it's simply miserable. It is obvious that the only purpose here was to slap barely enough content onto a disc in order to steal some money from the distributors. Unfortunately, that renders the discs worth considerably less than they were when blank.


the MAN THEY COULD NOT HANG - see the Movie Poster
	(1939) dir: Nick Grindé; w/ Boris Karloff, Lorna Gray, Robert Wilcox. Interrupted in the middle of unorthodox experiments in life-suspension for surgery (which actually presage medical developments of almost half a century later), the good doctor is arrested for murder and eventually hanged. His assistant revives him using those new methods, but the doctor now feels a good deal less kindly towards the world, and diabolical revenge ensues. It's a nicely done little potboiler, although it spends far more time on the build-up than the pay-off, and rather wimps out at the end. However, Karloff is more than capable of single-handedly saving the film and keeping it fun to watch throughout. Dr. Savaard's lament: "We gave them wings to fly and they rained death on us. We gave them a voice to be heard around the world and they preached hatred to poison the minds of nations. Even the medicine we gave them to ease their pain is turned into a vice to enslave half mankind for the profit of a few. Every gift that science has given them has been twisted into a thing of hate and greed." It's nice to know some things don't change, eh?


the WARRIOR
	(1981 - Indonesia - aka Jaka Sembung) dir: Sisworo Gautama Putra; w/ Barry Prima, W. D. Mochtar, Dana Christina, Eva Arnaz. No skin; some silly-looking gore. Tortured and broken, the noble freedom fighter must learn new skills to battle zombie Kung Fu and black magic to finally free his people from colonial oppression. It's full of sparkler-magic and corny speeches, and is only sort of fun at face value. However, adding to the entertainment are ill-fitting costumes, bad makeup, atrocious wigs, clumsy fight scenes, and a script that's as jumbled and gooey as the buttered popcorn. A solidly guilty pleasure.


the BLACK ROOM
	(1935) dir: R. William Neill; w/ Boris Karloff, Marian Marsh, Robert Allen. Twin brothers are the heads of a noble but cursed house; one twisted in body, the other in mind. And thereby hangs a tale of murder, deception, and vengeance from the grave. It is a rather predictable old yarn, but it is very well played by the cast and is graced with superb photography. When you're in the mood for something old-fashioned, this is a delightful choice.


GUNHED
	(1989 - Japan) dir: Masata Harada (Alan Smithee in the English version); w/ Masahiro Takashima, Brenda Bakke, James B. Thompson. No skin; no gore. On the island of forgotten robots, a washed-out giant-robot pilot builds a Gunhed from scrapped parts and then sort of blows some stuff up. It is built upon the usual Toho formula involving elaborate miniatures, cheap fx, the faintest whiff of plot, a heroic robot, and a cute kid. But then let's add in action and dialogue that make not the slightest bit of sense. It may make suitable entertainment for first-graders, but only after you've fed them a bucket full of candy.


EPIDEMIC
	(1987 - Denmark) writ & dir: Lars Von Trier; w/ Lars Von Trier, Niels Vørsel, (Udo Kier cameo). No skin (unless you count cadaver-wang); no gore. While two screenwriters struggle with a script about a fictional plague, a real one sneaks up on them. The unorthodox story, steeped in allegory and satire, moves in & out between the writers' lives and scenes from their screenplay. Yup, it's a bizarro art-house flick filmed in grainy black & white. The flick is terrific but strictly from a 'Cinema Studies' point of view. As a viewing experience, it just seems like the sort of indulgent fluff that flops out when a filmmaker has way too much time on his hands. If you harbor a secret artsy-fetish, this is definitely one to pick up. On the other hand...


TOKYO GORE POLICE
	(2008 - Japan) fx & dir: Yoshihiro Nishimura; w/ Eihi Shiina, Itsuji Itao, Shun Sugata. No skin; boatloads o' (unconvincing) gore. In the future, there's not much to choose from between the evil mastermind turning the city's criminals into rapidly mutating monsters, and the power-mad police corporation that's out to slaughter them (and anyone else who looks at them cross-eyed). So naturally, it all comes down to one sword-swingin' lady cop. This is an entertaining entry in the 'goofy gore' sub-genre, but while there are lots of crazy visuals, there isn't much here that's memorable. It fulfills all the expectations: the low-brow satire, the fountains of blood, the social sensibilities of a discount bordello, and enough misty flashbacks to embarrass a Swedish director. But the entire plot is delivered in a two-minute exposition, and Eihi, who really needs to carry the whole film, fails to impress either with her acting or her moves. It's still a fun enough party flick, but the same has been done better elsewhere.

copyright © 2010 Bruce V. Edwards

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